“Wait, let me explain..”
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No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
God has abandoned us.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
happy valentine’s day to me
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be