“Wait, let me explain..”
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i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
any last words?
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Pikachu found the lost joint
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?