Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
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When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that