Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
You Might Also Like
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
When life hands you women, make women laid.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Children of the Corn Man
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
🤣🤣
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
seriously you guys
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Hot hot hot 🥵
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.