Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

Posting this on behalf of a friend

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.