Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*