Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
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If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.