Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
