Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
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We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
presenting your incognito window wrapped
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that