Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

No, you’re not getting it your honor

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.