Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
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2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.