Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

My what?

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

Drilling for oil is well boring.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.