Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
no!! no!!!!!!
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
i can’t work under these festive conditions
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
never stops being funny
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat