Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
You Might Also Like
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
There’s never enough good news
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah