Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh