Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off