Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
