Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!