“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
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I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.