Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.