Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.