Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Short story
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again