Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
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New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
these can’t be my only options
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.