Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.