Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

i dont have time for this

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply