Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

Yes, but it was never about money

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

why would tinder want me to say this

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me