“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
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Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god