Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
😎 🍻
LOL
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
The news
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water