Wait!! There’s a box??? 馃槀馃槤
You Might Also Like
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that鈥檚 not what i鈥檇 expect
me: yah that鈥檚 the idea
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She鈥檚 currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now