Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
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I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
trivia
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.