Wait!! There’s a box??? 馃槀馃槤
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I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
it鈥檚 time for sharks to evolve again. it鈥檚 been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them鈥擨鈥檝e lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I鈥檇 give you a dollar
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71掳
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]