Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
You Might Also Like
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Why soy sad?
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
want me to check your oil?
