Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
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Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”