@ElayneBoosler: Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn't win it?
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@julietactually: [taking the witness stand] "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but—" *leaning into the mic* I choose dare
@AshFrieds: There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
@MelvinofYork: Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire! Daughter: A telephone WHAT? Me: Wire. Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.