Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working