Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

Optional boss fight.

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?