Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.