Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

Cool shirt 🙂

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

😂

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

🤯🤯🤯

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.