Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

no exceptions

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

At ease

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.