Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.