Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
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Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink