Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
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i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Scream sneezers need love too.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
kevin is now a local weatherman
This guy’s not having it 😆
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.