Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
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her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
BETRAYAL
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
#NoRestForTheWicked
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point