Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
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I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Yes 😂
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.