Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

How actors in movies eat their food

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”