Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.