Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

the world’s most popular steaming services

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!