Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
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Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Yup.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
I basically called this earlier today
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?