Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
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That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
That took me a moment.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch