Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

😲 WTF? 😆

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

This a good idea

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.