Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
TODAY
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look