Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
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GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I can’t stop watching this.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]