Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.