Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
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2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
bout dat hot dog summer
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief