Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
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Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.