Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
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People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
when revenge coincides with naptime
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.