Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.