Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
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There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
live long and prosper!
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”