Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
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my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.