Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York