wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
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Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
be safe out there!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
smartest karate player in the world
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.