Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
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The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I’ve been drinking.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that