Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.