Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
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mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.