Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Covert ops

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.