Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Current mood: Potato
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation