Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
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Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.