Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
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“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
2022: I can fix it
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something