Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it