Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?