Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

The happy life.. 😊

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

I’m dying louder than usual today.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

back to work

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣