Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!