Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK