Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
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Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Duck typos.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama