Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

Happy Thanksgiving

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.