Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.