Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
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The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.