Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
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Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.