Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
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What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Awesome parenting 😂
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
yea so i messed up lol
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.