Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Blocked: 1985

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

me opening up to someone

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them