Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

thanksgiving should be called feaster

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

goldfish mafia

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious