Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Struggle

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

Breaking news:

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.