Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
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temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I used to be married, but I’m better now
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.